Manifesto of Certainty and Doubt

Manifesto of Certainty

Too much static

Heart pace quickens

Lump in throat, dry mouth

Head pounding, hands clammy

Cramps, tightness

Deadlines, projects, work

Hurry up and get there.

You draw me in close,

Exuding a soft inaudible chatter

Seduction and desire.

I gaze at the blank white square,

And run my hand across the surface.

The woven material stretches across the wood

Like a cotton sheet tightly hugging a bed.

Solitude

The buzzing softens

Self consciousness, shift my eyes

Am I in my body?

Inhale, Exhale

The tightness loosens

The quickness slows down

I squeeze the tube

And release a red oil mass, glistening and brilliant

As i grasp the handle, dip and immerse the tiny bristles

And lift the brush to the square

I push the thick lump back and forth.

Seconds, minutes, hours, progression, break.

In the bathroom I grip the sink and look into the mirror…

Honey eyes, shimmering makeup,

Gold necklace, tiny paint smudge,

I am female, I am painting.

Manifesto of Doubt

Follow me

Slowly walk back

Enclosed, insular, immersed

Dead end

I cross my arms across my body

Squint my eyes, tilt my head

Stare, scrutinize, sigh

Is it good enough?

Can it be better?

I shift my stance and shake my head.

Restlessness creeps in, I become anxious and uncertain

My furrowed brow deepens the frustration,

And my stomach tightens.

I run my hand across my collarbone

Rub my chin and yawn

I check my phone, it’s been hours

My body heat rises, face becomes flushed

What time will I be done?

I need to leave, my eyelids are heavy

Like there's weights attached to my eyelashes

The silence in the room emits a soft buzz

Alerts me to my solitude, aloneness and oneness

Am I good enough?

Is it good enough?

When can I stop? When can I start?

It’s tough

It’s repetitive

Irritating

But it’s not permanent I suppose

So I proclaim
Exclaim
In my most certain state
My uncertainty

...Female Painter?